| Relationships > Social Weapons Social Weapons: The nonviolent things people use to hurt others Not generally considered violence, these tactics can be extremely harmful. The emotional scars often last a lifetime. Why people seem to take pleasure in being cruel to others is mystifying - but it is never more prevalent than in high school. Maybe it is because everyone is in such tight social surroundings in high school, that there appears an increased need to display dominance in the form of popularity. Some people see only one way to achieve popularity - do something, say something, to make you seem better than others. If a really juicy piece of gossip comes to one person they may spread it around, not to be malicious, but as a fast track ticket to popularity. The fact that somebody gets hurt in the process may never cross their minds. Then there are the people who are mean just for meanness sake. These people are usually already popular, so what is their motive? Simple, to keep the crown. Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in your popularity that all you see is what life is like with out it - and in a fear response, you do whatever it takes, say what you have to, to keep somebody "below" you. Not nice, this "war" to make friends and influence people. It seems that nobody really wins. But waiting for divine justice to step in can be infuriating for the targets of this emotional abuse. Bullying and name calling can get so bad that they can consume a person with rage, depression, suicidal thoughts, and even violent fantasies. Being an outcast sometimes leads people to do drastic things to themselves and/or others. Good kids can be driven bad by the merciless teasing of others. Schools sponsor awareness programs but in the end, they don't take words as seriously as actions. The way schools handle most social harassment is very much influenced by the old poem "sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you". The reality is that names do hurt you, rumors can be more persistent and debilitating than a black eye, and gossip bites. What is a teen to do? How do you take on the mean social tactics of a peer and win? It isn't easy, but it is possible. Know the social weapon tactics and how to fight them. Rumors and Gossip This is by far the most common social weapon. Although some types of gossip may help a person's reputation, the overwhelming majority of the "shock talk" people indulge in is harmful and mean spirited. To add to the sinister nature of this tactic, it is most often done behind the target's back. The scenario is familiar to all of us - Person A spreads a rumor about Person B to everyone who may be interested and by the time it gets back to Person B, the damage is done. Person B then goes to confront Person A who plays innocent or apologizes half-heartedly. But the damage is already done! True or not some of the people who have heard the rumor will believe it, others will wonder what to believe, and those who know it isn't true will sit back and hope it all goes away quickly. We've all heard rumors about somebody at our school. The most common type are the "almost believable but rather pitiful stories" like the one about the guy who tries to get drunk by drinking a bottle of Scope™ mouthwash, or the girl who gets caught shoplifting tampons AND condoms. Then there are the types that are so outlandish they MUST be true. For example, stories about illicit affairs between students and faculty, or secret rings of test stealing computer geeks. The thing about rumors and gossip is that they are often difficult to prove or disprove. For this reason, once a rumor is set loose, it almost always follows it's target in one way or another. Rumors and gossip are often used as revenge or follow through on a threat. Threats of rumors are often used to get something out of a person, ie; "sleep with me or I'll tell everyone you did it with me AND my friends", or "let me cheat off of you on the big test or I'll tell everyone you are a total loser". But more often or not they are just conversation. Something for one person to say in order to make themselves look important or to get attention. So how do you handle it if you are targeted by a gossip hound? Here are some tips:
Another very common social weapon, it is probably the first one any of us use or are subjected to by others. As far back as grade school kids call each other names and label one another according to a perceived social status; cool, sporty, brainy, nerdy, geeky, loser... In high school the tactic is still used. Sometimes those original grade school labels stick with a person all the way up to high school. Other times, the names and labels become more sinister with age. A lot of the time, the labels are grounded in some truth about the person which makes them even harder to shake. The only way you can deal with name calling is to roll with the verbal punches and walk away at the nearest opening. Reaction is what the name callers are after. Give them no reaction, or the opposite reaction from the one they want, and they will likely bore and move on. Labeling, on the other hand, is much more complicated. Unlike name calling, which is stuck in a moment, labeling follows you through time and space. Labeling is the evolution of name calling, it is when a name you are called by others stays with you even when it is not spoken out loud. It is debilitating because more often than not a person comes to see themselves the same way, that is, in terms of the label they have been given by others. How do you deal with something like that? Simple, you beat it! A label is something that others give to you, if you don't accept it, it isn't really yours. There are two ways to beat this type of social attack. You can OWN your label or you can REFUTE it! OWNING YOUR LABEL: You do this by first making the label your own and then redefining what it means. Think about the term "bitch", it used to be an insult toward women yet today many women call themselves this name with pride. It was taken over by the feminist movement almost a decade ago and redefined to mean "strong woman who stands up for herself without apology". Think about the term "geek", it used to be an insult thrown at the brainiest members of a class, but the Silicon Valley set took it over and rewrote it's meaning. With the help of Bill Gate's, billionaire geek extrordinaire, geek became chic and now means, "those who make the world better and advance technology for all". Whatever insult you are called, look for a positive twist and make THAT twist what the word means when applied to you. REFUTING YOUR LABEL: Act as if you don't care, the "whatever" attitude, whenever somebody hurls an insult in your direction or treats you a certain (undesirable) way. Never let them see you sweat! Don't let the label consume you, ignore it as best you can and live your life the way that makes you happy. Do not waste time getting upset about the label you have been tagged with, instead work on showing another side of yourself. Create an anti-image label and stick with it. Let others know that the label is an outdated thing of the past. Be outgoing and friendly but don't set yourself up for scrutiny. Identify why you have been given the label and down play the side of you that makes the label stick. Ostracization and Alienation Some people never have to deal with this one while others are subjected to it for what feels like their entire teenage life. It is hard enough making friends, but what do you do when others actively seek to exclude you? How do you deal when people go out of their way to keep you marginalized? What do you do when "persona non grata" becomes your name? How do you cope when those who you once called friends are the ones who have marked you for exile? Your first step has to be detachment. You have to really stop caring that others want to exclude you. This is incredibly difficult but essential. It is essential for two reasons; if you care too much the damage to your self esteem can be debilitating and counter productive, and while you still react or come across as hurt the nasty people who want to hurt you will keep up the effort. By detaching and giving off an attitude of, "No matter what you say, I am worthwhile and I am comfortable being me!" you will have won half the battle and saved your sense of self. Next, seek out others through activities, either in school or out of school. Although it is hard for many teens to see, the social world does not stop and start at your school doors. Get involved in the school annual, join a club, go to a youth group, volunteer, or work out at a gym. Do something to keep yourself active and occupied. You'll care less about being excluded if you are too busy to think about it! Also, when you get involved in social activities you are going to meet new people. If your ostracization is limited to an old group of ex-friends, you'll be sure to find new friends this way. If it is more of a general stigma you'll be showing others a different side of you and they will soon make up their own minds based upon what they know rather than what they have heard. Finally, be better than those who exclude you. Do not seek revenge, it really is bittersweet. Take heart in the fact that there are people within your reach who do not care about your social banishment at school. There are others who may have been subjected to the same treatment themselves, maybe even by the same group, and there are those who could care less about such games. All you have to do is find the strength to face those who put you down and show them how very wrong they are about you. Get involved with others and others will get involved with you! Source: Teenage Health and Interactive Network - About.com < Back to Relationships Main Page |